Marriage | Part 3 of 5
About this series
As my son prepares to get married, I’ve been thinking about what I would want a young man to know before beginning his own marriage. Some of these lessons come from Scripture, some from more than 26 years of marriage, and quite a few from getting things wrong along the way. This series is about the wedding, the covenant that follows, and learning to build a marriage that loves well, forgives often, chooses each other daily, and keeps Christ at the center.
Scripture: James 1:19–20
There is something about marriage that gives another person an incredible ability to get under your skin.
Maybe it’s because no one knows you better. Your wife knows your habits, your weaknesses, the things that frustrate you, and probably exactly which button to push when you’re already irritated. Of course, the uncomfortable truth is that you know all of those things about her too.
So here’s something I can promise a young man getting married: You’re going to disagree.
James gives us some pretty simple advice for those moments:
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
James 1:19–20
Quick to hear. Slow to speak. Slow to anger.
I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to reverse that order.
I’ve had plenty of disagreements where I wasn’t really listening to understand what she was saying. I was listening just long enough to formulate my response. While she was still talking, I was already building my case, remembering supporting evidence, and preparing to explain why my position made perfect sense.
And sometimes I was right.
I’ve also learned that being right and loving your wife well aren’t always the same thing.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that one of the most dangerous things that can happen during conflict is forgetting who is actually on your side. Your wife isn’t the enemy. The disagreement isn’t you against her. It’s the two of you trying to work through something together.
That sounds obvious until you’re angry.
When we forget it, winning becomes more important than understanding. We keep score. We bring up old arguments. We say things we know will hurt because we’re hurting too. And sometimes we simply stop talking altogether and let resentment quietly settle in.
Paul warns us about that too: “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26–27).
I don’t think Paul was giving married couples a rule that every disagreement has to be completely resolved before bedtime. Some conversations need time. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is cool down, pray, and come back to it with a clearer head.
But don’t let anger take up residence.
Don’t give resentment a spare bedroom in your marriage and allow it to unpack its bags.
Even now, I’m learning that a strong marriage isn’t one without conflict. It’s one where two people keep choosing the relationship even in the middle of it. Sometimes that means listening when you’re convinced you already understand. Sometimes it means forgiving before you feel like it. Sometimes it means saying, “I was wrong,” without immediately following it with, “but you…”
And sometimes it means remembering that the woman sitting across from you isn’t someone you’re supposed to defeat.
She’s the woman you promised to fight for.
Maybe that’s the posture we need when conflict comes. Not How do I win this argument? but How do we protect what God has given us while we work through this?
That’s a very different kind of fight.
And it’s one worth having.
Sit With This
Think about the way you handle disagreement with the person you love most. Are you usually trying to understand, or preparing your defense? The next time conflict comes, what would change if you reminded yourself before responding: We’re on the same team.
Prayer
Father, teach me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Guard my words when I’m frustrated and my heart when I’m hurt. Keep pride and resentment from taking root in my marriage. Help me remember that my wife is not my enemy, but a gift You’ve entrusted me to love. Amen.
