Marriage | Part 2 of 5
About this series
As my son prepares to get married, I’ve been thinking about what I would want a young man to know before beginning his own marriage. Some of these lessons come from Scripture, some from more than 26 years of marriage, and quite a few from getting things wrong along the way. This series is about the wedding, the covenant that follows, and learning to build a marriage that loves well, forgives often, chooses each other daily, and keeps Christ at the center.
Scripture: Ephesians 5:25–33
Last week, I wrote about the wedding—the celebration, the vows, and the importance of slowing down long enough to realize the weight of those two little words, “I do.”
But eventually the wedding ends.
Then you have to start living those words.
When I think about the kind of advice I want to give a young man beginning his marriage, I keep coming back to Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:25
I’ve read that verse plenty of times. I’ve heard sermons about husbands being the spiritual leaders of their homes and about the different roles God gives husbands and wives. Those are important conversations, but lately I’ve been struck by something much simpler.
Look at the standard Paul gives us.
Love her like Christ.
That’s a pretty high bar.
Jesus didn’t love us because we deserved it. He didn’t love us only when we were easy to love. He didn’t insist on getting His way or wait for us to do our part first. He loved sacrificially. He served. He forgave. Ultimately, He laid down His life for His bride.
And Paul looks at husbands and essentially says, Love your wife like that.
Even after all this time as a husband, I’m still learning what that means.
I used to think being a good husband was mostly about the big things. Provide for your family. Protect them. Be faithful. Work hard. Be there when they need you. And those things absolutely matter.
But I’ve discovered that most marriages aren’t lived in the big moments. They’re lived on ordinary Thursdays.
Loving your wife like Christ might mean listening when you’d rather fix the problem. It might mean putting down your phone when she wants to talk. Sometimes it means doing something you don’t particularly want to do simply because it matters to her. And sometimes it means swallowing your pride, admitting you were wrong, and saying you’re sorry without adding an explanation for why you were mostly right.
I’m still working on that last one.
The longer I’m married, the more I’m convinced that sacrificial love usually doesn’t feel very sacrificial. Most of the time, it’s just a hundred small decisions that communicate, ‘You matter to me more than my preference does’.
That’s also why I don’t think biblical leadership in marriage is primarily about being in charge. Jesus showed us a very different picture of leadership. He knelt down and washed feet. He put others before Himself. He gave rather than demanded.
A husband following Christ should probably look a lot like that.
That doesn’t mean becoming passive or never having an opinion. It means asking a different question. Instead of constantly wondering, What do I want from this marriage? we begin asking, How can I love my wife well today?
I’m not sure we ever completely figure that out. I certainly haven’t.
But maybe that’s part of the beauty of marriage. God gives us someone to love for a lifetime, and in the process of learning to love her more like Christ, He slowly makes us more like Christ too.
Sit With This
If Christ’s love for the church is the example for how a husband should love his wife, what would that change about the way you think about being a husband? Where might God be asking you to choose service over preference?
Prayer
Jesus, thank You for showing us what real love looks like. Teach me to love with patience, humility, forgiveness, and sacrifice. Help me put aside selfishness and pride and learn to serve the woman You’ve given me to love. Use my marriage to make me more like You. Amen.
