Anxiously Astray

Looking back over my life it is clear to me now that I have always struggled with anxiety. While most of the time this “thorn in my flesh” has been very mild and some times not detectable at all – there have been times where its crippling grip has shut me down for days at a time.

My anxiety takes on some strange forms. For example, I am always working on something – either a big project at work, a DIY home improvement project, a volunteer gig, learning a new hobby, or helping a friend. There is always a project happening. And while that might sound pretty normal – where I make it weird is – I put immense pressure on myself to complete the task. So much expectation that what started out as an enjoyable process just becomes dreaded and painful. I will lose sleep until its done. I will drop everything else in my life. And often – I will put my spiritual health on the back burner.

Like many of us, my life consists of spiritual peaks and valleys. What has become very obvious to me over the past 6 months is that my anxiety rides that very same wave. I have gone through some very big life changes in the past 3 months – by choice. We are trying to simplify and minimize in a pretty big way. We are trying to focus less on stuff and more on experiences. In preparing for this change and through the first part of the transition my intense focus kicked into overdrive. I could not think of anything else. I stopped having my daily quiet time, my time with God. And my anxiety thrived. I know that we all stray from time to time. The Bible even tells us we will (Isaiah 53:6 for example). It is going to happen. What makes me feel so bullish is that it takes me so long to realize that is what is happening. Usually, its my anxiety that takes over and slaps me in the face to wake me up. And there I lay, usually in bed with no more energy for the projects, or completely defeated by my failures, wondering “why me God?”. And His answer never changes – “why are you trying to do this without Me?”

Ultimately, its a choice, isn’t it? I could choose to take 15 minutes out of the time I have allotted for the project and continue my relationship and commitment to Him. But instead I choose to use every available moment to get stuff done. He gives us those choices. The key to our life is making the right one. (Deuteronomy 30:19–20)

I pray that we choose wisely. I pray that I slow down to speed up. I pray that I choose His presence over my pride. I pray that I choose his comfort over my anxiety. And I am confident that when I choose to trust Him I will lay down in peace (Psalm 4:8)