The Struggle is Real

We all have flaws and weaknesses. Some are self-inflicted and some are the result of the acts of others. Whatever the cause, they are there for us to battle and struggle with, and for many of us, we will battle our entire lives to overcome them.

For me, one of my biggest struggles is my extreme dislike of interacting with other people. There, I said it. While those that know me the best probably know this fact about me, but for those of you whom I interact with but you didn’t know this about me – there it is. As much as I care for you and love you, I am uncomfortable talking to you. It isn’t that I do not want to communicate with people, I love to write and have people read what I write. It isn’t that I do not care for the well being of other people, I love to serve people in various ways. But having conversations and interactions, whether it be in groups or one-on-one, is extremely uncomfortable for me. Not just feeling awkward, which it does. But real discomfort. If I know I am going to be in a situation where other people are going to be there and I will need to have conversations, I have symptoms of anxiety for hours before. Just going to church or lunch with a friend can ignite sweating and nausea. And I can instantly think of dozens of excuses to get out of the event.

I have tried for years to figure out why I am like this. I have tried dozens of methods and solutions without much success. Here is the rub; I know everything will be fine. I know that I will be able to carry on conversations and interact with people without issue. I know that nobody will know the turmoil that happens inside of me before or during our conversation. I know that I will mask it well, and that the conversation will not kill me. I also know that there is much to gain from each and every conversation – and I will typically just power through the anxiety. Usually I have a great time and love the interactions. Sometimes I don’t want it to end. Sometimes I spend hours replaying the interaction in my head and wondering if I did or said anything wrong or offensive. But I am always, 100% of the time, left exhausted. I am pretty sure it is because of the anxiety and anticipation more so than the interaction – but for whatever reason – even just a simple dinner with friends leaves me wiped out.

This has become a huge problem for me lately. As I struggle to find a more meaningful purpose for my life, every book I read or conversation I have about this leads me to the idea that I need to interact to serve, that I need to interact to build His Kingdom. So, if the meaningfulness of my life depends on interaction, why is it such a struggle? How am I going to serve with a full heart when I literally suffer physical symptoms just thinking about it? Can God really be calling me to something that is so painful or against my natural tendencies?

Yes. Yes, He can. And He certainly will.

In the book of John, chapter 9, Jesus heals a man that was blind since birth. His disciples asked Him who sinned, the man or his parents to cause this blindness. And in John 9:3, Jesus replied:

“Neither this man not his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

I have spent so much time trying to fix this issue myself. I have even spent a ton of energy and effort trying to understand the cause and origination of this anxiety. But the one thing I have failed to do – is ask Him for help.

I think most of us are like this. We have a problem that we are so ashamed of or consumed by that we obsess over fixing it or masking it ourselves. And the healing is just one surrender away. He has the power and ability to wipe you clean of your flaws and weaknesses – He just wants you to ask for His help.

I trust God with so much in my life, He has never let me down. And every time I surrender one more thing, I think “this was what I was holding back”. But there is always more. Sometimes its because we don’t think the problem or area is worth His attention or time. Sometimes it’s because we are ashamed and don’t want Him to know about it- as if He doesn’t already. But for whatever reason, we all hold back something from Him. Something to handle on our own. Even after He has proven faithful and powerful time-after-time.

If you are struggling with something, join me in surrendering it to God and asking Him everyday for help and healing. If you are skeptical, try it for two weeks. For the next 14 days, ask Him every day for help with your issue, and spend 15 minutes reading scripture or a daily devotional. Be intentional to focus on this issue in your conversation with Him. And don’t be too proud to ask Him for help.

I would love to walk with you through this. Reach out and let me know your situation or the result (or both).