Conquer Your Jordan

I struggle with negativity, skepticism, cynicism, and distrust. Often this makes me a very sarcastic, introverted, and standoffish. I have been hurt by many people whom I have invested a great deal of trust. Becoming a Christian has not fixed these behavior traits, but it has helped me recognize them. God’s word has helped me recognize them for what they are – distractors provided by my enemy to keep me from my faith in God. I also know that these behaviors are inhibitors of my spiritual growth. If I am grumbling or arguing I cannot become a blameless and pure child of God (Philippians 2:14-15). I must replace this mindset with His truth about me and about others. I must trust in God that He protects me so I do not need to push away without His nudge to do so. That is the only way I will find peace and continue to grow (Isaiah 26:3).

However, change is hard. No matter what the change is, it is hard. Change’s complication relates directly to the habit’s longevity and how deep the roots run. If you try to change thoughts and a mindset that was formed in your childhood, it will be much more difficult than breaking a bad habit that you just picked up last year. For me, finding Christ in my forties, I have decades of ungodly mental programming to combat. It is not easy. The exact behaviors that I am trying to address are responsible for discouraging me and trying to convince me that I cannot change, that I shouldn’t change.

But, again, there is Good News! The One who created me can also heal me. I know that the more I fill my heart with the Gospel and the Truth, the less room there is for my broken ideals. I know that the more time I spend in His Word, the less availability I have for negativity. I know, and this is the hardest part for some of us, the more I lay my weakness at His feet- truly surrendering it to Him to fix – the more He will replace it with something better. He must become greater in my life, and I must become less of a focus (John 3:30). He requires our surrender to work on our behalf. Every blessing and every miracle comes through a relationship with Him, with a level of surrender to His will.

For many of us the really difficult part is identifying what is actually broken. Sure, we are really good at knowing what we dislike. But often times, that is merely a symptom of what is truly broken inside of us. For example, my distrust and cynicism stems from people breaking my trust and hurting me emotionally repeatedly and from a very early age. That is an easy connection to make. But that is not the cause of my behavior. The true cause is that I, never again, want to feel heartbreak or look foolish. I deserve better. Feeling that way or looking like a fool to others is beneath me. And that is a product of pride. So, I guard my vulnerability like a prized possession. And when God pushes me to be vulnerable I am tempted to give him the Naaman stiff arm.

Naaman was “a great man… and highly regarded” as the Bible says in 2 Kings 5:1. Naaman had a lot going for him. But despite his great respect and status, Naaman had two serious problems. His first and most obvious problem was that he was plagued with leprosy. Naaman had heard about the great prophet Elisha and thought if there was even a chance that Elisha could cure him it was worth a shot. But when Elisha sent a messenger with the instruction for Naaman to was seven times in the Jordan, Naaman’s second problem emerged. Instead of being elated that the cure for his life threatening disease is obtainable and jumping head first into the Jordan river, Naaman flew into a rage. Wash in the Jordan? This filthy river? This was beneath the overly prideful Naaman. He was willing to do anything to follow God, but he wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t until his servants urged him that Naaman conceded to washing in the Jordan (2 Kings 5:13). And not only was he cured, but his skin “became clean like that of a young boy”.

What is your Jordan? What could God tell you to do that would give you serious pause and hesitation?

For me – it is my willingness to be vulnerable, to allow myself to be put out there for others to see. And this is why I write. I believe with all of my being that God provides me with lessons to learn and share, He provides me with words to communicate, and He provides me with thoughts to catalog. For the longest time, I refused to do this exercise because it is so risky to me. Sure, the writing is risk free. I could just type this up and save it off – or better yet delete it- and never let anyone read it. And I have done that a lot in my life. But God has consistently pushed me to not just write these words, but share them with others. That may seem like no big deal to you, but for me, it is terrifying. However, I can attest first hand, when you walk in obedience, the rewards are great! My skin might not be clean like that of a young boy, but my mind is being renewed and I can noticeably witness the melting away of my negativity. I am starting to trust more and more people with my most vulnerable offerings and in turn I feel like I am contributing the way God has called me to contribute. With every word I share, I feel a freedom I never thought possible.

Find your Jordan, conquer your Jordan, and watch God move in your life.