(The idea behind this series is – “what advice would I give my twenty-something sons about life?” So, I am taking the approach of coffee shop conversations with young men who are transitioning into independent manhood. These are lessons I have learned and would love to convey to young men – in hopes to impart some hard-earned wisdom rooted in Christ.)
If we were sitting across from each other and you asked me about marriage…
I’d probably smile first, because I remember being where you are – thinking chemistry was everything. The spark. The butterflies. That feeling that you “just know.”
Chemistry is real. It’s powerful. And it’s fun.
But chemistry isn’t what holds a marriage together when life applies pressure. Character does.
Eventually, real life shows up. Stress. Disagreements. Financial strain. Illness. Exhaustion. And when that happens, chemistry doesn’t make decisions – character does. Character decides whether someone tells the truth when it’s uncomfortable, stays faithful when it’s hard, and shows patience when they’d rather walk away.
Here are two things I wish someone had told me:
- Don’t fall in love with potential. Pay attention to patterns. Watch how they handle frustration. How they treat people who can’t offer them anything. How they respond when they don’t get their way.
- Nobody else in your life will ever have the potential to hurt you as bad, or make you as angry, as your wife. There will be things in your relationship that will push you to your limits – chemistry will not get you through them – make sure you can love them through the worst. Not feel love for them – but love them.
Marriage isn’t about finding the perfect person – it’s about choosing someone whose character makes love sustainable. Someone who helps you become better, not just happier.
Choose the person who makes steady decisions, not just strong emotions. Feelings come and go. Character stays.
Scripture to reflect on:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 5:25
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
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